What Strategic Ignoring Actually Is

Strategic ignoring is not neglect and it is not giving up. It is the deliberate decision not to give attention — even negative attention — to certain behaviours, because you understand that attention is the fuel those behaviours run on. A child who whines, makes annoying noises, or has a mild tantrum to get a reaction is running a test. Ignoring is failing that test in the most powerful way possible.

Which Behaviours Are Appropriate to Ignore

Strategic ignoring works for behaviours that are attention-seeking, low-level, and not harmful. Whining, minor tantrums, silly noises designed to provoke a reaction, mild defiance accompanied by eye contact — these are candidates. It does not work for behaviours that pose a safety risk, hurt others, or destroy property. Those require immediate, calm intervention.

The distinguishing question is: does this behaviour get worse when I respond? If yes — if your engagement, even negative engagement, seems to intensify it — then the behaviour is probably attention-fuelled and ignoring is worth trying.

How to Do It Correctly

Effective ignoring requires a specific set of actions: no eye contact, no verbal response, no visible reaction. Any acknowledgment — including a frustrated sigh, a glance, or an exasperated "I'm ignoring you" — breaks the effect. You are essentially removing yourself from the interaction while remaining physically present and calm.

Importantly, the behaviour will often get worse before it gets better. This is called an extinction burst — the child escalating because the strategy that used to work has stopped working. Hold steady. If you hold through the burst consistently, the behaviour fades. If you give in during the burst, you've just taught the child to escalate further next time.

Combining Ignoring with Praise

The most powerful version of this approach is pairing strategic ignoring with enthusiastic, specific praise when the child uses an appropriate behaviour. "I love how you asked with your normal voice" — said warmly and immediately — is more effective than any number of corrections. You are not just removing reinforcement from the unwanted behaviour; you are actively directing reinforcement toward the behaviour you want to see more of.