Why Toddlers Often Misreport Events: Understanding Early Childhood Communication
October 27, 2024
If your child has recently started crying before daycare, clinging to your legs at the door, or telling you they don’t want to go — take a breath. This is one of the most common and well-understood phases in early childhood development. It almost certainly has nothing to do with the daycare, and everything to do with how beautifully attached your child is to you.
The honeymoon phase is real
Many parents notice that when their child first starts daycare, things go surprisingly smoothly. New friends, new toys, new adventures — it’s exciting! But after a few weeks, something shifts. Your child starts to protest. The drop-offs get harder. And suddenly you’re wondering: what changed?
What changed is that your child has figured something out: when you leave, you’re gone for a while. And they don’t like it one bit. This realization — and the big feelings that come with it — is called separation anxiety, and it is one of the most normal things a toddler can experience.
100%of toddlers in one study struggled with separation anxiety at childcare
44%of parents of children aged 0–6 are also concerned about separation anxiety
18 mothe age at which separation anxiety typically peaks, per child development research
What the research tells us
Separation anxiety is not a sign of a problem child or a bad daycare. It is a predictable, well-documented stage of development. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, it is a completely normal part of toddler development. Research published in the journal Early Child Development and Care found that virtually all toddlers struggle with it when starting childcare.
“A little bit of separation anxiety means your child has formed a strong attachment to you and misses you — and that’s actually a very good sign.”— Goddard School for Early Childhood Development
Developmentally, this happens because around 7–9 months of age, children begin to grasp object permanence — the understanding that things exist even when they can’t be seen. Before this, out of sight truly meant out of mind. Now, your child knows you’ve left — and they want you back. This same cognitive leap that causes tears at drop-off is also the foundation of memory, imagination, and emotional intelligence.
According to Stanford Medicine, separation anxiety typically begins between 10 and 18 months and resolves by around age 3. For children who have never been cared for by anyone outside the family, or who are naturally more cautious by temperament, it may feel more intense — but it is still normal.
Why parents sometimes misread the signs
Here’s something important to understand: you know your child in one context — the home, with you. Daycare is a completely different world, and children often behave very differently in each setting. A child who seems distressed at drop-off may be laughing and playing within minutes of you leaving. That’s not manipulation — it’s just how toddlers work.
Toddlers also don’t yet have the words to explain what they’re feeling. When they say “I don’t want to go,” they are expressing a feeling in the moment — the same way they might protest a bath or bedtime. It is not a considered report on their experience. What they cannot tell you is that five minutes after goodbye, they were chasing a friend around the playground.
What you can do — practical strategies that actually help
- Keep goodbyes short and warm. A long, drawn-out farewell makes things harder — it signals to your child that something to be worried about is happening. Give a hug, say your goodbye phrase, and go. Lingering amplifies the distress.
- Create a consistent goodbye ritual. Toddlers thrive on predictability. A special handshake, a specific phrase, three kisses — anything repeatable helps your child know what comes next. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends practicing this ritual before it’s needed.
- Stay calm — your child reads you. Children are exquisitely attuned to parental anxiety. If you look worried, they conclude there is something to worry about. A calm, confident goodbye is one of the most powerful things you can offer.
- Never sneak out. It may seem kinder in the moment, but disappearing without a goodbye teaches your child that your departures are unpredictable and frightening. Always say goodbye, even if it causes brief tears.
- Talk about it at home — positively. Ask about their friends, the toys they played with, what they had for snack. Frame daycare as a place with good things in it. Avoid asking “was everything okay?” which inadvertently suggests it might not have been.
- Practice short separations at home. Leave your child with a trusted family member for brief periods. These small experiences build the understanding that you always come back — which is the core lesson that resolves separation anxiety.
- Talk to us. We see your child every day. We know when they stopped crying and started laughing. We know who they played with and what made them smile. Ask us — we’re your partners in this, not a mystery to be solved.
What happens after you leave
Here is something we wish every parent could witness: most children stop crying within minutes of drop-off. Not always — some take longer, and we are with them every step of the way — but in the vast majority of cases, children are engaged, exploring, and content long before pickup. The goodbye is the hardest part, and it is almost always shorter than it feels.
According to the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC), skilled caregivers help children develop their own emotional coping strategies over time. Each consistent, loving drop-off — where your child learns that you leave and you come back — is building exactly the kind of trust and resilience that will serve them throughout their life.
Separation anxiety is not a crisis — it is your child learning one of life’s most important lessons: that the people they love will return. We are honored to be part of that journey with your family. Please always feel welcome to speak with us about your child’s experience. Our door is always open.
